I have an on again/off again relationship with God.
We spent a lot of time on the same page when I was younger. I went to church. I was actively involved in my youth group. And I believed. Fiercely.
And then…
I don’t really know what happened. I grew up. My thoughts and opinions changed. I was confused and didn’t really know what I believed. I still don’t.
But last night I prayed.
It had been a long time since I talked directly to God. Yes I’ve wished love and light upon my friends and family who needed it but I hadn’t really had an honest conversation where I asked questions, where I reflected on my life and it’s purpose.
You see, I went to church on Saturday…my church, the one I spent most of my life going to, the one which I am most familiar. It felt…strange, different, but yet still the same.
It was a full service mass, something I’ve been to a million times. Yet something was off. In the last 10-15 years the Catholic Church has shifted, made adjustments and adapted new verbiage. Language that used to just glide off my tongue was now wrong; new words, new melodies were in it’s place.
I didn’t belong there.
It’s okay. I knew that going in. I wanted it to fit. I wanted Jesus to jump right off that cross and embrace me in his arms, shouting “welcome home!” but he didn’t.
But I’m not where I was. I know that because I prayed.
I asked God to take care of my friend’s mother who is now at his side. I asked God for patience and understanding as I try to navigate my way. I felt myself getting agitated as I listed off all the people I know right now who need his love and calming presence.
I don’t know that I’m a Christian as I am not sure I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I’m not an atheist and I’m not really agnostic as I truly believe there is a God. I’m just not sure who he/she/what God it is. I think there is something more powerful than us out in the universe. But I have no proof, no reason, no rationale.
Last night I prayed.
I don’t know to whom or really why I did. I felt that I had to, deep down from my soul, like it was screaming from within. Did he hear me? Does he even care?
I don’t know.
The tide has shifted and I am not sure which direction it’s headed.
I could not love this more.
He totally heard you. God bless you on your journey and I’m saying a prayer that it leads you to that embrace and a hearty “welcome home.”
i love this so much. I have the same conversations with myself on a regular basis. It’s a strange comparison, but I feel like the movie “Dogma”. I feel like I have ideas and faith, but not beliefs because I can change an idea. Ideas grow and flourish. It’s cheesy, but there are so many lines in that movie that are so darn true.
Keep talking. He’s listening. That’s the one thing I know for sure.
I love this, Erin! Like Amy said, He’s listening. And you don’t have to know exactly what you believe for him to. 🙂
Oh, sweetie, your prayers have been heard!! Just remember YOU ARE LOVED!! That is something that my aunt used to say to me, and it always calmed my soul. She passed over 13 years ago, and it is still my mantra. Please let us know if we can help in any way. We have found a great church in Greensboro that is a ‘hospital for sinners, not a hotel of saints!’. Another great phrase I have adopted from my aunt/ uncle! If you don’t get what you need from where you are, explore!!
Thanks Kristin. It’s good to know that my doubt is met with encouragement, not judgement. I appreciate it.
I’ve been hearing this a lot from a lot of different people recently. Thanks for sharing. I hope you find what you seek!
So good Erin. The great thing is that wherever we go ,however long it might take, He’s there to meet us when we’re ready.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this inner experience – not battle – just question – it’s really special and important and I know some of it quite well.
At least you’re praying and searching for something. I find no matter what it looks exactly, people who are spiritual in some sense are more at peace. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for your honesty.
That’s my hope. I find God in nature and music, not necessarily in church.
Wow. Thank you for sharing from such a place of honesty. I strongly believe you were heard. I think your relationship with Him is the most important thing to God. Keep talking. 🙂
I will. Thanks Nikol.
Been thinking about your post on and off all day. I struggle with the same questions, wondering why I felt so incredibly close once and now God seems so far away. I struggle with these things, even though my backside is in the pew every Sunday and the rhythms of a worship service are intimately familiar. Keep asking the questions. God listens, and responds in ways we can’t predict. The open and welcoming faith community I’ve found keeps me coming back and supporting me as I search for answers.
Thanks Jen. It means a lot to know I’m not alone.
Like you I grew up going to church, but lately not as much as I should. My faith is not determined by my church attendance. Questioning your faith is normal and needed to realize this world is bigger than us.
Erin, thank you for your honesty. God will help you. I love that he’s always listening regardless of where we are.