I was raised Catholic. Not strict Catholic mind you, but I attended CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine or catholic education for school aged children), received the appropriate sacraments (first communion, confession, etc.) and attended church on a semi-regular basis through high school. I was extremely active in our high school youth group serving in a leadership role and leading retreats, small groups and more. My mother didn’t require that I be confirmed in my faith; I chose to. Many of my friends did it because they had to, but this decision was all me.
Then I went to college. I took a philosophy class that discussed the existence or non-existence of god and I ended the semester confused. After much thought and prayer, I ended up where I am today, being frustrated with the idea of organized religion and continuing to believe in a higher power, in a god who doesn’t belong to any one group of people.
And here I sit at this crossroads with myself. I’ve been here for what seems like eons.
When I got married, it was incredibly important to me that we be married in a church, although I can’t quite tell you why. As much as I have doubts, questions and downright disbelief, there is something still engrained in me that I’m not quite ready to let go. We attended the premarital counseling through the church and I got the most upset discussing religion with my husband, although deep down we believe the same things. We believe in a higher power and are extremely put off by the way organized religion demands specific thoughts and actions of people that end up putting others in peril.
At the end of the day, I figure there is a god looking over us in tears wondering why we tore him apart into so many different segments and why we think that some people will enjoy a less happy afterlife simply based on being raised in a different religion or choosing to believe a different set of doctrine or beliefs.
My son is two and I’m not sure he knows the word god. We don’t sing Jesus Loves Me or Jesus Loves the Little Children or any of the songs I knew growing up. He has not been baptized. We don’t talk about god or Christianity and I am torn on what to teach him. I believe in the power of prayer and guess maybe I’ll start there. I don’t consider myself much of a religious person, even when I attended church more regularly. I label myself as spiritual. I completely believe in the power of prayer. The pure amazement that is life constantly astounds me and I believe there is something out there bigger than all of us. I am moved by music and find God in every note. I know the beauty that is a sunset, wind in the trees and rain upon the water came from somewhere.
But I don’t know how to teach that. And I struggle with explaining to my children why everyone else knows Jesus and they don’t. I struggle because I am still quite moved by the story of Jesus dying on the cross, even though I see it more of a story now and less of an actual happening. Again, I can’t quite let it go. It’s a part of me even if it’s more of my past than my present and future.
The fact that I didn’t baptize my son (not that it’s too late) bothers me and I don’t understand why. I feel that it’s something I should do, but don’t have a really good reason for doing it.
This is a touchy subject with many people and I know many of you have very strong opinions. You will not change my mind on where I stand, so please be respectful in any comments below. I welcome suggestions and would love to know if anyone else might struggle with this.
Mad Hatter Mom says
Brave woman putting the religion card on the table 🙂
Everyone should have faith and believe in something. So whether it's an organized religion or not teach your kids what you feel in your heart. I think the most important thing is you teach them about those 2 things and let them decide where to go from there.
And about the baptism thing. I was baptized when I was wrong and honestly it meant nothing to me. It wasn't until I was an adult and made the choice to accept Jesus as my savior that it became special to me.
In the Catholic faith (I was raised Catholic) it is taught that children must be baptized early because they are inherently evil and need that washed away from them. I believe that children are born with innocence, so it's more important that my children decide when they want to be baptized.
Good luck! This is one of the parenting walls that many of us hit.
cindy w says
You're not alone at all, I'm right there with you. I was raised Methodist, my husband was raised by a family of atheists (although he does believe in God, but he has issues with organized religion). I got turned off by a lot of organized religion myself, based on my experience going to a very judgmental Southern Baptist school as a kid.
So now, my daughter tries to ask me questions about God & Jesus, and my answers all feel very… awkward. We talk about the baby Jesus at Christmas, but I was kind of at a loss when she asked me what Jesus had to do with Easter. How do you talk about crucifixion with a 4 year-old? A lot of times when she asks something I don't really know how to answer, I say, "Hey, let's call Mimi and ask her! I'll bet she'll know!" So yeah, I totally pawn off the theology discussions onto my mom. She's way better at it than I am anyway. 🙂
Katy Emery Warren says
Well, I had a big long drawn out comment and when I hit "Post Comment" I got an error and lost it!
I almost take that as a sign that my comment was too strong! 🙂
I'll pray for you and your family. I think you know God more than you realize!
Andrea says
I think the best way to talk about religion is with honesty. We never will have all the answers about any hard topic and being transparent shows that it's ok to have questions. I think many times in the church that is the part that feels so stifling. That if you question any of it, you are somehow "less than". Prayer sounds like the perfect place to start, not only for your lil ones, but to help you find a place of solid footing for your own journey.
Ann says
I grew up in a household that was not religious. We didn't go to church and never really had any sort of religious discussions. My paternal grandparents were very religious though and pillars of their Presbyterian church. So, I had exposure to it, but in small doses. I also consider myself spiritual and I have issues with organized religion.
I think I will take a different approach than my parents and discuss all the different religions with my kids. I want them to have exposure to it since it is such a big part of so many other people's lives. I also want them to have respect for other people's faith even if they choose not to be a believer.
Religion is one of the areas of parenting I struggle with too.
Scott Moore says
I think you answered your own question. Tell them what you believe and that you know/believe you don't have all the answers.
Here is what I heard you say about what you believe…
1 – you believe in God
2 – you believe He loves us and is looking out for us
3 – you believe He wants us to love each and other and be more kind
4 – you believe in the power of prayer and the ability to communicate with God
I can't find a bad teaching in what you said. You don't have to have all the answers as a parent. Teach your kids to understand that you have weaknesses and that they can and should find the answers these kinds of questions on their own.
While I have strong religious beliefs and I teach them to my children, I emphasize heavily that they need to find out for themselves if what I am teaching them is true. They can't lean on my wife's faith or my faith. They need to develop their own. Teach them (through words and actions) that no matter what they decide to do with respect to religion in their life that you will unfailingly love them and support them.
As a family, explore several religions and see if you feel comfortable in any church or with any particular doctrines.
Katy Emery Warren says
Well said, Scott. That's what I was gonna say before my original comment disappeared…
I also thought I'd share this link – the Catholic Church is really making a strong effort to make fallen away Catholics feel welcome in coming back – http://www.catholicscomehome.org/ And they should always feel welcome!
I found that I become closer to my faith and community when I worshiped at the contemporary service and even became a singer in the band! You'd be awesome in a band too! 🙂
Vee says
I'm not a mom, but I was raised in a pretty unique situation. I, too, went to CCD, Sunday school, and was required to go to church every Sunday until I moved out of my parents' house.
On the flip side, my mom began exposing me to a lot of different belief systems at a very early age. From Buddhism to Native American cultures, I got a well-rounded look at the different ways people chose to practice religion. It helped me make decisions based upon what resonated with *me* and I am truly grateful for that.
Erin, this reminds me of the hilarious storyline in "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." I believe she bounced around from church to synagogue to church, trying to get the answers. I guess my point is, your kid is lucky that you're feeling a dilemma. It means you realize that it's a personal choice, not a dogmatic demand to be shoved down a kid's throat. Good for you, and I think you rock for posting this. 🙂
Victoria
Chele says
Erin, you are so not alone! I just spent 8 years at a church… and it's the concept of a church that has me not wanting to go anymore. My kids choose to go to Youth. I do not make them anymore. I still go on occasion but I totally get what you are saying! I think if you are not going to you still need to give them something to think about by your actions and words. Because I believe in God, I lead my children that direction. If I didn't I just fear that the right and wrongs wouldn't be so engraved in their personalities. I hope you understand what I just said. LOL. That was hard to explain!
Minivan Mama says
"I know the beauty that is a sunset, wind in the trees and rain upon the water came from somewhere." Love this.
I find myself in the same boat, believing in much the same way as you. Stay true to your feelings and let them guide you with your choices.
Thank you for your honest post, I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
Angela says
A parent cannot force belief on a child. As a parent we can only be open and honest with our children about our beliefs, hopes and dreams for them. Belief in God is a personal decision and is a lifelong journey. I can only hope my children explore what I expose them to and question biblical truths, historical facts and spiritual faith for themselves. I am reading A.W. Tozier's book "The Pursuit of God" right now and your post made me think of this quote from the book:
"This intercourse between God and the soul is known to us in conscious personal awareness.
It is personal –
that is, it does not come through the body of believers, as such, but is known to the individual, and to the body through the individuals which compose it…"
I believe it is not in church that we find God, but in our souls where he lives.
Aleece says
I think that you have it right so far….just explain to them what you do believe and leave the stuff you aren't sure about for a later and older conversation. You have a few years to get the basics (which you listed), and in the meantime, do some searching to see if you can find some answers to some of your questions. As far as some hard evidence to support a belief in God, Lee Strobel and Dr. William Lane Craig are some good reading. I just finished a book by Dr. Craig, and I personally recommend him, although it's NOT easy reading. Good luck with those conversations. They aren't easy, no matter what you believe.
Mrs. Love says
AMEN…(lol)…I too feel like I am in your shoes….one difference, I was raised Lutheran… philosophy and science made me rethink everything…I did baptize my kids out of pressure from my family…I felt like I was lying while in confirmation…I wanted to believe everything and gave it my all, but something still didn't feel quite right… heck, I was even a church camp counselor…I too struggle with organized religion and the 'story' of Jesus…what a religious mess I feel…But I do know there is something bigger than me out there and I am truly blessed…I find a bit of comfort knowing I am not alone. 🙂
J.R. says
I fully, 100%, with all my heart, believe that I am a sinner, and that the only way I'm forgiven is by believing that Jesus died on the cross for MY sins. I don't think of it as a story, like you said you do, but of something that actually happened. I believe that Jesus lived a perfect life, and was sacrificed on my behalf. I don't believe there is "someone bigger" out there, I believe in one GOD, the creator of the earth. This faith is the foundation of my life, my marriage (my husband believes the same thing), and my role as a parent, and I am teaching my four children what I believe. I believe all this with all my heart, but I completely understand why others don't. I think it's sad that faith in God and Christ is now referred to as "organized religion", because I don't believe that is what God intended when he created the church. I do believe church is to go praise God, and to be taught about Him by a pastor, but we as humans have added stacks and stacks of man-made rules that don't glorify God at all, and do in fact turn people away from the saving truth of the gospel, and that breaks my heart. I applaud you, Erin, for writing about your doubts, questions, and concerns, and I pray that you will be able to find the answers you are looking for.
Kathy says
Wow, Erin. Wonderful post. I have a similar background. Raised Catholic. Went to church weekly, CCD, even Catholic high school. Long story short, I no longer attend church. My husband is agnostic. Having kids has made me question what to teach them about religion and religious differences. During stressful times I found comfort in prayer. I pray with the boys nightly in hopes they will also find that comfort. I hope to somehow teach them about different religions so that when they are older they can choose which church, if any, to belong to.
For now I know there is a god in my heart. "He" may not have a label of Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddha, Mormon or any of the other organized religions but I am thankful to him from the bottom of my heart for all that he has given me.
Astacia says
We are "backsliders". We took our 1st to church for several years but fell away after our 2nd was born. Organized religion does not suit us any longer. We let our kids go to church with my parents when they visit and don't go out of our way to disparage church to our kids. We're just frank when they ask questions about how wee feel about what their grandparents believe. We're learning about world religions and culture in homeschool right now. I think the timing is perfect because she is beginning to understand the ins and outs of church.
Katie says
I think you're so brave to put this out there! You are NOT alone; I know SO, so many friends, both parents and non-parents, that feel the same way. Alot of them feel like they can't discuss this openly, like it's "bad" to admit or something, but I think it's important! I would reiterate what alot of people have already said. Just by organizing your feelings on paper, you have a great place to start in what to teach Aidan, and eventually Emerson. So, I think you teach them exactly what you believe (just like you are), expose them to the fact that there are so many other beliefs in the world (like we were exposed at FU) and then give them the freedom to make their own choices, just like you were given. You are a wonderful mom with a great head on her shoulders…don't doubt yourself, just go with your gut!! XOXO!
Amy E. says
i've got a lot of similarities to you: raised catholic (but not strict), went to CCD, got confirmed (though i think that was my parents' choice, not mine), and now have a little one who isn't (and won't be) baptized, but we'll need to figure out how to teach her about religion.
my husband was never baptized, but still celebrates christmas. i believe in something, though i'm not sure how to label it. not really god, not really fate, but something that connects us all. the force??? lol.
wish i could tell you what to do, but i think we're going to just wing it. not sure how we're going to talk to our Little One about religion, but when the time comes, we'll cross that bridge. you're just a couple years ahead of us.