I’m not a therapist.
I have been married for almost nine years and in a committed relationship with my husband for over fifteen years. But that doesn’t make me an expert on relationships.
But for some reason I’m still thinking about you, the 25 year old man from Chapel Hill who sat next to me and immersed me in conversation for the 90 minutes that we sat on that airplane.
You said many things on that flight that unnerved me. You are in a very free and fun part of your life, so many of your comments didn’t surprise me. You admitted that you are shallow when it comes to girls. They need to be an 8, 9 or 10 (so I perceived) for you to even consider approaching them.
I don’t know that shallow is quite the word you’re looking for. I think you’re superficial. If you were shallow, you wouldn’t care when you talk to someone that they don’t meet your intelligence caliber or don’t have a fun personality. But I think you do. Because you want the total package – looks, brains, fun personality, even if looks are all you seem to care about.
You’re stuck on the wrong thing.
Yes, it’s important to be attracted to your significant other. Yes, sexual compatibility matters.
But if you can’t carry on a conversation for longer than one evening, none of that matters. You’re going to end up in a cycle, one that I think you are already in.
You had lots of questions for me – some completely inappropriate to ask a stranger. Yet, I didn’t really mind.
Because I could see some of myself as you spoke. Yes, I’m a woman and you’re a man. Yes when it comes to relatioships, our respective sexes see things differently. But as a 25 year old, I had several of the same thoughts you are having now.
I doubted myself.
And you doubt yourself as well, especially when the pretty girls reject you.
You told me no less than ten times how confident of a person you are, but all that told me is that sometimes you aren’t. I think you’re assertive. I think you’re personable. I think you know who you are and what you have to offer. But sometimes you aren’t confident and that’s okay.
All those girls you see? The 10s you drool over and the 4s you ignore. They are struggling too.
How about having a conversation? Not at a bar. Not at a place where the ambiance screams TAKE ME HOME. Maybe over coffee. Maybe at a party (a low-key one, not a loud, can’t hear yourself think one)? Maybe over lunch. TALK to them. LAUGH with them. Get to know them as a person and not as a pretty face or a hot body. I bet some of the 6s you might never have given a second chance will suddenly become more attractive to you.
In fact, I guarantee it.
Relationships are so much more than sex. You have to enjoy each other’s company. You have to be know how to be bored together. You have to be comfortable in silence.
Looks may start a relationship, but they won’t sustain it.
I hope you shift your way of thinking. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I hope when you’re 35 and sitting on an airplane, you can give the same advice to another 25 year old, because I think you’ll find out that I’m right.
Thanks Michael! I tried to convey a lot of your sentiments. Humor and personality definitely both add and take away from a person’s attractiveness. I have met men that initially you think “ooh, he’s hot” and then he speaks and you think “or not.” I really hope he’ll change his tune.
This is an AWESOME post, Erin. SO awesome.
Sounds like you were given this chance meeting so you could “just write” … no?
Thanks for sharing and reminding us of what is important.
I love this so much and I have to agree with the first commenter. Sometimes when you give someone a chance, they’re a lot more interesting than you’d thought they would be! This is true in friendships too. We don’t always connect with the people we think we’ll love.
Are you sure he wasn’t hitting on you? 😉 Really, though. What an interesting post. I hope he took your insight to heart.
He actually told me several times that he wasn’t hitting on me, you know, just in case I thought he was. But he did tell me that I still had it. I’ll take that and run with it. 🙂
I hope you told him all that! LOL
ahhh . . . if we only knew then what we know now. . .right? Good for you, and your advice is spot-on. When that guy is 35, he’ll know that. . .but maybe not until then – LOL I spend a lot of time telling my cousins, when you are 30, you will think differently. . .those selfies where you look amazing seem like a good idea now. . .but what will a boss think about those boobs? It’s all part of the growing process – right? =)