Yesterday was my first “work day” at home with both kids. For my first few weeks back at work, we kept the Bug in daycare, but that ended last week. Now I have both of my children two days a week and we have a sitter the other three days.
I’ll admit I’ve been nervous about being alone with them for 10+ hours. Which is sad right? They are MY children for goodness sake. But 10 hours of toddler mayhem and infant crankiness seems like a lot.
Now I asked for this. I did and I truly want this time to be with them with all my heart. When Bug was little, I didn’t see him enough. I worked too much. I missed him. It’s the same now. At the end of my work day, I can’t wait to get home and snuggle those little faces.
So why this?
Because what I was most nervous about (hello NAP TIME) came true. I probably did it to myself. I put that negative energy out there. Nap time was pure and utter torture. I’m feeling like I failed.
Mommy had a tantrum.
Bug had been reading in his room quietly so I could nurse Miss E. and try to put her down for a nap too. I peeked my head in; he asked for a story and I read him one until Miss E. became fussy. After telling him I’d be right back, he hopped out of bed. Then it was a comedy of errors as he asked for water, to brush his teeth, to take a bath. He ran to the TV room. He screamed. He cried. I put the gate up. He screamed some more. I finally just yelled “AAAHHHHRGGGG!” in a loud, deep guttural voice.
If you’re thinking now that that probably didn’t help, you would be correct. He then looked at me with this slightly scared, defiant look and SCREAMED at the top of his lungs and then spit at me. Awesome. I win for mother of the year.
Twenty minutes later, we were all calmed down and he was in bed finally zoning out and I sat next to him in tears. It’s day one. How can I possibly suck so bad?
A few deep breaths later, I tried to cut myself some slack. But it didn’t really work. I’m really irritated with myself. Moms and dads stay at home every day with their kids, most with multiple kids and they all manage to survive. I need to put on my big mommy panties and try again. I recognize that some days will be good days and some days might be particularly heinous. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.