Yesterday was my first “work day” at home with both kids. For my first few weeks back at work, we kept the Bug in daycare, but that ended last week. Now I have both of my children two days a week and we have a sitter the other three days.
I’ll admit I’ve been nervous about being alone with them for 10+ hours. Which is sad right? They are MY children for goodness sake. But 10 hours of toddler mayhem and infant crankiness seems like a lot.
Now I asked for this. I did and I truly want this time to be with them with all my heart. When Bug was little, I didn’t see him enough. I worked too much. I missed him. It’s the same now. At the end of my work day, I can’t wait to get home and snuggle those little faces.
So why this?
Because what I was most nervous about (hello NAP TIME) came true. I probably did it to myself. I put that negative energy out there. Nap time was pure and utter torture. I’m feeling like I failed.
Mommy had a tantrum.
Bug had been reading in his room quietly so I could nurse Miss E. and try to put her down for a nap too. I peeked my head in; he asked for a story and I read him one until Miss E. became fussy. After telling him I’d be right back, he hopped out of bed. Then it was a comedy of errors as he asked for water, to brush his teeth, to take a bath. He ran to the TV room. He screamed. He cried. I put the gate up. He screamed some more. I finally just yelled “AAAHHHHRGGGG!” in a loud, deep guttural voice.
If you’re thinking now that that probably didn’t help, you would be correct. He then looked at me with this slightly scared, defiant look and SCREAMED at the top of his lungs and then spit at me. Awesome. I win for mother of the year.
Twenty minutes later, we were all calmed down and he was in bed finally zoning out and I sat next to him in tears. It’s day one. How can I possibly suck so bad?
A few deep breaths later, I tried to cut myself some slack. But it didn’t really work. I’m really irritated with myself. Moms and dads stay at home every day with their kids, most with multiple kids and they all manage to survive. I need to put on my big mommy panties and try again. I recognize that some days will be good days and some days might be particularly heinous. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.
*A huge thank you to Amy, Dawn and Andrea for making me feel not alone on Twitter yesterday. Ya’ll rock!
Oh girl, I have sooooooooooo been there. Being a stay at home (or work at home) Mom is probably THE hardest job in the world. I still have days where I think I am not cut out for this. I don't have enough patience or selflessness to give my all to my children all day everyday. So, hang in there. There will be good days and bad days, but in the end you will never regret spending these days with them. Hugs!
If only my minivan could talk…..it would tell you about the raging maniac I became yesterday after taking my kids somewhere and they acted so badly.
You aren't alone and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have these mommy moments.
It's totally fine. We all have these days. Also? this was your FIRST day doing this. It's going to take some time to establish a routine, but you can do it. I promise!
Hugs.
I have days like that with ONE child. I whine more than my son does. "Can Mommy pleeeeease have a few minutes to herself?" We all have fantasies about what our days will be like cuddling our children. You're just showing Bug that Mommy has her moments too. And Mommy can recover nicely. As you probably remember the first time around, every day is different (and hopefully better!)
I swore when I was little I wouldn't be a screaming mom like my mom. I now find myself screaming all of the time. I know it does not good, but I can't help it. We are all there w/you, so please know you are loved, and you are a GREAT mother.
Please be kind to yourself. Transitions are difficult. It doesn't matter how well anyone else does it. If you're having a tough day, it's a tough day. It's new. And just like anything new, it will take time to adjust. You'll get better at it and so will they. In the meantime, try to relax a little bit and not be so hard on yourself. You're a good mom trying to do the best for yourself and your family. That is all that is required.
I just wanna reach out and give you big hugs. Two at the same time is TOUGH, especially when they aren't cooperating. I've been there too… between 5-6 pm is the worst time of day for me. It was your first day so remember, it'll get easier. We're all human though so like you said, move on and look forward to trying next time.
Y'all are all awesome! Thank you.
Erin,
Please don't beat yourself up. I have stayed home for five years. I've had more tantrums than you can imagine with my oldest. E-mail me anytime and I can tell you some horror stories.
Hang is there. You will have some really good days, but the days are long. It's hard. You can do it, though…and then you'll have those work days, and it will make you appreciate the days you do have.
Leigh
sounds like me on a daily basis. we have all been there, and i feel like i am there more often than not. i wish i was just a natural laid-back mom that didn't get worked up when my kids do, but that is not the case. i have a strong-willed 3 year old and a mostly laid back toddler. some days i secretly long for the days they are 5 and 7. but i don't want to wish it away either. it's like bi-polar dysfunctional relationship with the highs and lows of their tantrums and mine. i try to take it one day at a time. hang in there. you are doing a great job!!!