I consider myself to be a pretty caring and compassionate person. I’m patient, tolerant and open-minded.
But sometimes I make mistakes. I am not perfect and don’t pretend to be.
I make mistakes and I hope that my son will learn from me and be a better person than I am.
This morning I read a post on Why You Shouldn’t Use the R Word and found myself in tears at my desk. I am completely guilty of using the R word and I even have a pretty profound reason not to.
As a teen-ager, the word “retarded” was a regular part of my teen-angst ridden vocabulary. It referred to everything – my teachers, my assignments, my friends, life, my mother – all in theory. An eye-roll and a “That’s so retarded” was common place. I never really meant the person, it was more of “the idea” of said thing that was retarded.
Lord knows my mother tried to teach me better. She’d make me aware of how often it came out of my mouth. She would tell me how horrible it sounded, but I didn’t listen. She understood the hurt I was causing, but I didn’t get it.
As I got older, the use of the word lessened, but I’m embarrassed to admit that it still slips out on occasion.
And there’s no good reason why it does…..and a whole lot of reasons why it shouldn’t.
My mom’s older sister was born with a mental handicap during an era when it was PC to actually refer to people as retarded. It’s an ugly term…and the fact that I know it’s ugly causes me even more shame when I think about myself using it. My aunt is the most wonderful, amazing person. She can’t speak, hear or talk – but she’s funny and clever and more of her mind works than most people could imagine. Her quirks and sneakyness cause much joy in our family around holidays and celebrations. And I have hurt her. Not intentionally – and she doesn’t even know it – but I have.
Through reading Tanis’s post, I have seen the uglyness in me and I don’t like it.
And I don’t want it for my son.
We are already working on not using foul language in our house (it’s not going so well) and we definitely don’t want the word “stupid” being used. We’re finding ways to say what we mean and use actual words that show intelligence and not lazy language. Because really, most of the time we use slang in place of other words because we’re too lazy to think of something better to say. In our household, we’re teaching “not smart” in place of “dumb or stupid”. And I’m trying to say “That’s so silly” in place of other words that aren’t so nice.
Another word that I am extremely guilty of using OUT OF CONTEXT is the term “gay”. I never mean it in the term of happy or homosexual, but instead to mean ridiculous, not smart or boring. I am publicly acknowledging that I want to work on this…and I WANT YOU TO CALL ME OUT IF YOU HEAR ME DO IT! It’s rude. And to be honest, until a few months ago, I never really thought about how it was rude or who it was hurting. However, I am pretty sure that if someone used the term “That’s so Erin” and meant boring or ridiculous, my feelings would be hurt. So why do I do it? When people make gestures or noises that make fun of people with mental handicaps, I get incensed and infuriated, so why would I use the word and think it’s any different?
I was wrong and I’m sorry.
I want my son to be better. For him to be better, I have to be better.
I want to teach my son about love, empathy, the kindness of strangers. I want him to make smart choices and to be a person that others admire. I want him to be able to admit when he’s wrong. I know as he grows that he’ll adapt his own persona, his own ideals, morals and values – but as I teach him, as he learns from me, I want him to see goodness.
I want him to feel hope.
I want him to know how to express himself.
I want him to be thoughtful.
I want him to be intelligent.
I want him to change the world.
And I want him to be better than me.
Beautifully honest. I too am guilty of using retarded. I know how awful it is when I say it and am immediately remorseful. I want my child to be better than I am that's why I'm working on it too.
Best of luck. I know you'll overcome it.
-Abby
That was an outstanding post. Your son will grow up to be a wonderful man because he has a wonderful mother.
Great post! We're working on this at the Jowers' house too. HC is already very aware that the word stupid is hurtful and we don't use it; we use silly instead. Just wait until the bug can call you out on things…HC is always catching us and/or characters on TV saying "stupid" and correcting us/them!
Coming by from SITS. Great post. I am guilty too- I think it was our generation. Good reminder not to pass it on to my boys.
What an amazing post, I want to say I agree with what you say. I need to also work on this.
What a beautiful post! I am also guilty of the R word AND saying something is gay. I've recently been working to not use either word. It wasn't easy at first because it was such a habit I hardly realized I was saying it… but now I'm doing pretty good!
Thanks for bringing more attention to this movement and I'm sure you'll be able to rid these words from your vocab!
Your post really made me think. I have mixed feelings. Presumably most of us who have used the word retarded in the past did not mean any harm to somebody with mental retardation. It was just a word we all used. As we mature and learn that using that is insulting to a group of persons, we need to refrain from using it. I feel "gay" is a different situation. I will preface this next section by saying that I am not anti-gay/ homosexual. My brother is gay. My hubby and I chose to be married by a gay minister. I support the right of homosexuals to be married and to raise families together and I vote accordingly. I guess calling somebody gay does not bother me because it is a title that the homosexual population appears to have chosen to adopt. Calling somebody a homo seems more of an insult because homosexual is a scientific term. Does that make sense? Part of me worries that we are becoming too PC. My mother's generation called a racial group "colored"; I was raised calling the same group black. Today we are often told to refer to the same group as African Americans. Certainly the N word should never be used. I sometimes tell the boys that they are being silly or goofy. In the future will those words be considered insults either to them or to a different group?