This might be a long post. If you bare with me through it all, I thank you, if not, no worries, I just feel like I have a lot of frustration and here is the best place to let it all out.
It all has to do with time. I can’t seem to capture enough of it these days. I am in utter disbelief that it’s mid-May. I can’t believe my son will be 17 months old on Saturday. I am in shock that it’s almost half way through 2010 and my resolution/goal list looks like a big ol’ pile of poo.
I NEED MORE TIME.
More time with my son. More time with my husband. More hours in the day to finish my work. More time with my mother, sister, friends. More time FOR ME.
But it just doesn’t exist. And I have to accept it and try to prioritize my life better.
At the end of 2009, I made the following resolutions:
1) Go out with my husband at least once a month ALONE!
2) See my friends more.
3) Start (and keep up with) yoga.
4) Find an outlet for my passion for singing and acting.
Where am I on them? As I alluded to earlier, they’ve gone to the crapper. Seriously. We started the year off great with amazing intentions. J and I had a date night in January, maybe even two. I can’t remember having one in February, March or April. We both were (and are) so busy with work. We did go see WICKED earlier this month (which helps with Resolution 4 a smidge) and then was able to have dinner out ALONE last Saturday too.
See my friends more? That’s a joke. While I was delighted to go on a girls trip to the mountains in March with some of my best friends in the world, I honestly haven’t really seen them since.
Yoga? Don’t make me laugh. That gift certificate I mentioned for the free month is still tacked to my cork board in the kitchen. I don’t even have time to hang out with my husband as much as I want, how am I going to find the time to attend a one hour class early in the morning or right during the Bug’s bed time? Oh right, I’M NOT.
And my passion….singing and theater. Well let’s just say that takes the VERY back burner. Going to see WICKED two weeks ago is the only thing that even comes close to this goal.
It bums me out.
I know I’m not super woman and I can’t do/have it all. Life doesn’t work that way and I don’t pretend to think it does. But some days I can’t even catch my breath.
We’re also at the point where people are starting to ask if we’re going to have child #2. I’m stressed out just thinking about it. I feel like I barely have enough time with the Bug, what will happen with another child?
I’m just frustrated. I’m annoyed with myself for having my cranky pants on and not just dealing with it and figuring something out.
I can’t have it all. Some days I’ll be a better wife than others. Some days I’ll be a better mother than others. Some days I’ll be a better employee than others. Some days I’ll be a better boss than others. But it’s doubtful that it’ll happen all at once.
Excuse me as I’m going to go cry now.