It’s been an interesting month…one full of grief, reflection and love.
On December 11, my beloved grandmother left this world. She was a true force of nature – a warm sunbeam on your face, a rainbow on a cloudy day, and at times a tornado that left a ton of debris in her wake. That was my Mama.
It’s amazing to me that I had her in my life for almost 40 years. From the day I was born to the day she passed on, she was a major presence in all I did.
And now she’s gone.
Grief is an odd bird. It comes and goes, many times without warning. A song on the radio, a photograph, driving by a certain street…all can trigger heartache that I can’t blink away. And I’ve realized that some of my grief is about more than just her. It’s about the connection to my father, to his family.
I’ve spent time compiling lists of my father’s cousins this week, all in hopes that I don’t lose touch with that side of the family, as for me, my grandmother was it. She was last. Something she so desperately didn’t want to be. But all her friends and most of her family went before her.
It is my hope of hopes that she heard all I said to her in those final days. I felt her love and pray she felt mine.
As a new year is fast approaching, my world is full of all things encouraging rebirth, starting fresh and plans of action. Yet I feel compelled to do nothing. I go to write and the words don’t come. I want to set goals but there is nothing in my brain. No ideas. No strong pull to do one thing or another.
I was reminded today that that’s okay. I don’t have to be on the same timetable as the rest of the world. I can start fresh whenever I’m ready.
For now, I want three things – faith, family and friends. I’m not a church-goer, but right now I feel a strong spiritual connection to God. I’m not big on prayer but have prayed more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time.
I am enjoying the time spent with my family- playing games, watching movies and engaging in conversation.
And I need my friends. I need love, laughter, the occasional distraction and the feeling of belonging.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.