I was scrolling through my inbox last week and a subject line caught my eye. It was a simple question but one that spoke volumes to me. Is Your Kindness Viewed As Weakness?
I usually delete the emails from Marie Forleo (then why subscribe you ask? No idea) but instead I actually took the time to read and watch the video that accompanied it. Then I sat. And sat. Lost in thought.
When I was in seventh grade, my Language Arts teacher asked the class to describe a classmate. The boy who had my name said I was nice. He didn’t say it sarcastically; it was quite genuine. I remember feeling really good about it. Sure he could have said I was pretty or smart or maybe talented in some way, but he didn’t. He said I was nice.
I have always been a people-pleaser. I have always wanted people to like me. It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that those “goals” are simply unrealistic. There are individuals that I don’t care for, so why should everyone care for me? I’ve had to adjust my expectations. I’ve had to work hard not to care so much. And let’s face it, I still care. But whether or not a person likes me, I try my best to always be kind…always be nice. (Well, unless you go after a friend or family member…then my claws might come out.)
I have often seen my “niceness”as a weakness, like that boy you liked in high school who was TOO nice. I have seen friends and family say things in a harsh manner, react aggressively or come back to ugliness with a witty, stabbing remark and been insanely jealous. I don’t know how to do that. I can’t just say what I’m thinking (not that you always should). I can’t just shrug things off. I take things personally. I feel immensely.
It’s just who I am.
As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to control it. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. If I felt something, everyone in the room knew it. I hated it.
I remember in a performance review several years ago, my boss told me she had no idea what I was thinking, that my face gave no indication of how I was feeling. She meant it as a negative, but I was thrilled. YES!!!! I’ve conquered it, I thought.
I’m not so sure it was a good thing, manipulating that part of me.
I’m at a point in my life where I’m evaluating everything. I have two impressionable children in front of me and I want need them to understand what it means to be a good person. I want my son to know that being nice, being kind is NOT a weakness. He can be a strong, fierce leader and still be kind. My daughter, who is like me in almost every way, needs to know that being true to herself is the greatest gift. I want them to own who they are and let it shine!
Sounds dumb, doesn’t it? Of course I want that. Don’t we all? I’m sure my mother wanted that for me, and yet, here I am, approaching 40 and I’m just figuring all this out. Or trying to figure it out anyway.
It’ll probably never happen. I’m sure if I ask my 91 year old grandmother her thoughts, she’ll have some grand advice, but no concrete answers. I wish it wasn’t so hard, owning and accepting who you are. We all want some things to be different and honestly, if we want it bad enough, we can make changes. I needed to control my emotions at my job and I did it. But it was not easy and in the end, I still haven’t decided if it was necessary. Perhaps some of it naturally came with maturity. I’m not sure.
I am who I am. I’m an easygoing person who avoids conflict. I’m honest, but careful with the words I choose. I care about others to a fault. I’m sensitive. I cry easily.
I’m also strong and independent and a host of other things. I’m not a doormat.
Kindness is NOT my weakness. I may not be the most talented, the most assertive, the most(insert any adjective you want here) but I’m nice. And I’m cool with that. At almost 40, I’m totally owning nice.
Sara at Saving For Someday says
Great post, Erin. Being nice and kind is definitely not a negative. But it’s unfortunate that many people see it that way.
Fadra says
One of my favorite lines from a song is from Jewel’s first album and she sings, “I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.”
Every negative can be seen as a positive and vice versa. I really took that to heart when I heard someone speak in Raleigh a few years ago. He asked if the glass is half empty or half full. And then he definitely answer his own question. IT’S BOTH.
Think about that one for a while 😉
Nichole says
What a true light bulb moment and great advice. My son wears his heart on his sleeve and is struggling to make friends in his new school. I need to remind him that just as he doesn’t like everyone, that means he doesn’t have to try to be friends with everyone. He can still be kind and nice without trying so hard for people to like him.
And I get completely what you’re saying, I’m crushed when I find out people don’t like me – I am a people pleaser too even though I don’t show it. We all want to be accepted but we shouldn’t have to give up owning who we are to do it.
Shannan says
I love this post so much, perhaps because I’m in the same exact boat as you (or at least, the SS Sensitive people pleaser approaching 40 in a few months) On several job reviews they have commented that I’m nice, I came away sad that they focused on that and not performance, and took it as a negative, but someone else pointed out that perhaps they saw it is a positive and I should, too. Love your perspective on it!
Ann says
We recently moved to the U.S. after living in Germany for my kids’ whole lives. My son is one of the kindest people I know and it’s been a struggle for him being here. He’s five. Even at that age it seems that bad behavior is more acknowledged, rewarded (as odd as it sounds), and flocked to. He’s interested in everyone. He forgives easily. But, I’ve been thinking about kindness a lot lately. And how, if he wants to fit in, he needs to toughen up.
But, I’m slowly realizing that he is who he is. He doesn’t let people walk over him. And I don’t want him to lose that real aspect of his personality to appease others. As he gets older he’ll find more friends who are kinder, and he’ll find his tribe.
Liz says
Yes to “kindness is not weakness”! I roll my eyes whenever I see posts or emails or whatever that claim you can’t be nice and be in business or you can’t be nice and successful, or whatever combination of “nice and ” is the hot topic of the day. Keep being nice and doing all the great things you do; your kids will remember your example, not the sensational headline.
Rachel says
Nice doesn’t mean being a doormat. Great quote. I’m a firm believer in killing someone with kindness. It’s our attitude in a situation that will determine the outcome. Be proud of your kindness; it is truly a strength.
Muffy Mendoza says
Thanks for writing this. As a blogger, this is especially hard. You’re constantly trying to make yourself stop feeling criticism. Your struggle is mines also.
Janine says
So much good in this post. I feel like the internet has so much sarcasm, negativity, criticism. We need more GOOD stories. We need more NICE.