I have an on again/off again relationship with God.
We spent a lot of time on the same page when I was younger. I went to church. I was actively involved in my youth group. And I believed. Fiercely.
I don’t really know what happened. I grew up. My thoughts and opinions changed. I was confused and didn’t really know what I believed. I still don’t.
But last night I prayed.
It had been a long time since I talked directly to God. Yes I’ve wished love and light upon my friends and family who needed it but I hadn’t really had an honest conversation where I asked questions, where I reflected on my life and it’s purpose.
You see, I went to church on Saturday…my church, the one I spent most of my life going to, the one which I am most familiar. It felt…strange, different, but yet still the same.
It was a full service mass, something I’ve been to a million times. Yet something was off. In the last 10-15 years the Catholic Church has shifted, made adjustments and adapted new verbiage. Language that used to just glide off my tongue was now wrong; new words, new melodies were in it’s place.
I didn’t belong there.
It’s okay. I knew that going in. I wanted it to fit. I wanted Jesus to jump right off that cross and embrace me in his arms, shouting “welcome home!” but he didn’t.
But I’m not where I was. I know that because I prayed.
I asked God to take care of my friend’s mother who is now at his side. I asked God for patience and understanding as I try to navigate my way. I felt myself getting agitated as I listed off all the people I know right now who need his love and calming presence.
I don’t know that I’m a Christian as I am not sure I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I’m not an atheist and I’m not really agnostic as I truly believe there is a God. I’m just not sure who he/she/what God it is. I think there is something more powerful than us out in the universe. But I have no proof, no reason, no rationale.
Last night I prayed.
I don’t know to whom or really why I did. I felt that I had to, deep down from my soul, like it was screaming from within. Did he hear me? Does he even care?
I don’t know.
The tide has shifted and I am not sure which direction it’s headed.