Why can’t I ever be all in?

I have all these ideas. They are just floating around in my head, waiting for me to grab on to one tightly and just run with it.

But I never do.

There’s just too much going on. I can’t focus.

It’s an age old question that I’m positive all parents face, but it’s still frustrating nonetheless.

Why can’t I just go all in on something?

I like freelancing. I’m happy to be able to spend more time with my children and to still keep my toes in the working world. But there’s so much more I could be doing to promote myself, clients I could be pursuing. I just don’t have the time.

It’s the same with my kids and my marriage. We need one on one time with both kids. I need date nights with my husband, but there’s JUST. NOT. ENOUGH. TIME.

It’s the cycle of life; I know it, but I can’t get past it. There are times when I feel like this blog is mocking me. I want to do more video. Write more positive parenting posts. Share more stories. Work with more brands.

I want. I want. I want.

It actually looks ridiculous now that I’ve put it out here on this screen. Everybody wants to do more, be more, have more. I have a great life. My kids are healthy, happy. My marriage is wonderful. We are fortunate that I can stay home for now. Yet, I’m constantly wanting, wishing, hoping.

I know that it comes from viewing what others are doing. I see an amazing post or video that is similar to an idea that I had and I feel discouraged. Why didn’t I just DO IT? I see partnerships that I should have gone after and I’m unsettled, jealous even. It’s normal. It’s life.

I still feel icky.

I’m not even half way through my life. Why do I feel so rushed to do it all now? It’s not possible to be all in at work, at home and on this blog. Sometimes I think I should just pick one, but that would leave me feeling unfulfilled.

I wish I could slow down. I wish…

Enough wishing. I need to be in the here and now. I can do what I can do and nothing more. I could work later at night if I wanted to, but I choose to spend that time with my husband. I could get up earlier, but I like my sleep. I could find a sitter and work more, but then I’d be missing out on time with my kids.

There’s never the answer you want is there?

Silly question. Silly me.

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Comments

  1. says

    Oh you. Not silly at all. I am right there with you. I totally underestimated the complexity of working from home. The distractions are EVERYWHERE and it is so hard to completely put one thing down and do another. Hang in there. You aren’t alone.

  2. says

    Oh girl, you’re speaking to me! In fact, I have a post brewing in my head that’s similar but, you guessed it, can’t find the time. I want to do ALL THE THINGS and do them well. But instead I do MOST of the things, but half of them half-assed. Don’t know where to find more time so I guess it’s about figuring out what matters most (both from a point of things we do out of necessity and things we do out of passion). SIGH.

  3. says

    How did you know what I was thinking!?!
    I have ideas. I have the know how.
    I like to sleep.
    I have the guilt. I have the wanting.
    I have the voice in my head that says, “It will be ok.”

  4. says

    Totally. Every day. But, I’m still getting my feet under me, so I think I’ll be even more like that soon. You got this. You’ll get there. ::hugs::

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