I think I’m on a roll. Bodily functions seem to be a trend for me right now.
Last week, I confessed to the world that I do, indeed, occasionally, you know, poop. Ballsy on my part, but hey, as I noted, everybody does it and it’s a pretty huge part of parenting.
The Bug is now at the age (four in two weeks, YIKES!) that he thinks everything about the bathroom is HEE-LARE-IOUS!
This morning we had a guy come check out our fireplace. My son, in a shirt and underwear, came running out of my bedroom singing, “Naked pants, oh naked pants!” and danced all around. The workman just smiled and later I had to explain to my son that we don’t talk or sing about nakedness in front of strangers.
I’m not sure he got it.
I started a rule once we started potty training that you can talk about bathroom stuff ONLY in the bathroom. So for awhile, he’d run into the bathroom, yell “Poop and pee!” at the top of his lungs and then come out and give me a look that clearly said, “I can’t get in trouble right?”
But now, he forgets. A lot.
We’re starting to say things like “diaper booty” and “stinky poopy.” I’m having to remind him that we don’t call people names and that even if we are just being silly that it could hurt someone’s feelings.
He toots, says “excuse me” and then starts laughing. God forbid, his sister let one rip.
Occasionally, he’ll just start singing about his penis.
How am I here already?
I knew this day would come. I did. It’s inherent. All boys find poop, pee, farts and their own body parts hysterical. I don’t know why, but I think it’s part of the natural order of things or something.
In fact, just the other night, I read “The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny” for the first time (I know, what rock have I been living under?) As I read it to my husband, with tears streaming down my face because I was laughing so hard, I remembered an unfortunately unforgettable instance where I passed gas in front of his mother and siblings…in an airport. As I recounted the story to my husband, he got tickled and then we started listing all the other embarrassing things that I’ve done over the 14 years that we’ve been together.
My face was bright red the entire time, which apparently is why guys think it’s funny and cute when we women do something so unladylike and gross (albeit normal and natural) like passing gas or dropping a deuce. Because we are embarrassed.
It was a huge light bulb moment for my husband. He kept talking about it long after I was ready to go to SLEEP.
He was so floored by this discovery…that it’s only because women are shy and awkward when we have bodily functions that it is considered allowable and okay by men. If we tooted at every second of the day and acted crass and nasty, they’d be put off/disgusted.
My husband then told me the story of a former boss when he worked at Pizza Hut back in the day, who came running out of the bathroom yelling “I sh*t an S!! Come look.” If a woman did that? Yeah, no dice. Not cool. But a guy? Perfectly acceptable.
So…what’s the point here, Erin?
The point is that…my son at four years of age is already a man when it comes to body functions and humor. It’s fine. I accept it. My job is now to make sure that the polite/respectful side of Bug wins out (most of the time.) What I really have to worry about is Miss E. I need to ensure that I raise my daughter to be cute and demure when it comes to her body functions. I need to teach her what is appropriate and not. I’ve got to prepare her for future boyfriends and a husband (EGAD, did I just write that?)
I’m not entirely sure how to do that other than to tell her not to poot in front of boys. Or at least if she does, to giggle and be all embarrassed.
What am I saying?
Of course she’ll be embarrassed. In fact, she’ll be SO EMBARRASSED, she won’t giggle. She’ll cry. Hard.
She’ll cry noisily and get all red and splotchy faced. Because that’s what girls do (says the girl who cried in front of her then-boyfriend/now husband’s family.)
And there you have it.