I’m sure this will come as a huge surprise to you. I have faults.
We all have them. As much as we’d like to believe that we’re perfect, there is not a lone one of us that is.
Last night I had a head-on collision with one of mine. It pretty much erupted into a huge fight with my husband. Not a this is good for our relationship and we must hash this out fight, but a petty, silly, I’m-feeling-like-a-dumbass type of fight. And as much as I didn’t start it, it was all my fault.
Ok, maybe not all my fault. But the point of this post is not to get into the nitty gritty of this fight or to get into the details of my marriage. Rather, it’s about how I feel.
The fight made me feel awful. Not in the I hate fighting with my husband kind of way (which I totally do and is why our fights are so few and far between), but in the wow I really am not proud of this character trait kind of way.
It was embarrassing. I felt small and totally not good enough in the homemaker/wife department.
Last I checked there isn’t a list of rules you must abide by to be an awesome wife. But if there was, I am pretty sure that I have a lot of unchecked boxes, making me feel a tad unfit. I’m apparently lacking in “performs homemaker duties” category. Ok, not lacking. I pretty much suck at it.
Inherently, I know I’m a good wife. I know I’m a good mother. But last night? Last night was not one of those times.
I looked at myself in the mirror and was ashamed. I wanted to scream at myself “YOU ARE AN EMBARRASMENT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
I honestly don’t know how to make myself change.
I cried. Big, heaving sobs coupled with a mascara streaked face. I went to bed exhausted, emotionally spent.
But today is a new day. Today I will try harder.
Today I will accept my faults and attempt to improve upon them.
I can be better. I just have to try.