I’m not perfect.

I’m sure this will come as a huge surprise to you.  I have faults.

We all have them.  As much as we’d like to believe that we’re perfect, there is not a lone one of us that is.

Last night I had a head-on collision with one of mine.  It pretty much erupted into a huge fight with my husband.  Not a this is good for our relationship and we must hash this out fight, but a petty, silly, I’m-feeling-like-a-dumbass type of fight.  And as much as I didn’t start it, it was all my fault.

Ok, maybe not all my fault.  But the point of this post is not to get into the nitty gritty of this fight or to get into the details of my marriage.  Rather, it’s about how I feel.

The fight made me feel awful. Not in the I hate fighting with my husband kind of way (which I totally do and is why our fights are so few and far between), but in the wow I really am not proud of this character trait kind of way.

It was embarrassing.  I felt small and totally not good enough in the homemaker/wife department.

Last I checked there isn’t a list of rules you must abide by to be an awesome wife.  But if there was, I am pretty sure that I have a lot of unchecked boxes, making me feel a tad unfit.  I’m apparently lacking in “performs homemaker duties” category.  Ok, not lacking.  I pretty much suck at it.

Inherently, I know I’m a good wife.   I know I’m a good mother.   But last night?  Last night was not one of those times.

I looked at myself in the mirror and was ashamed.  I wanted to scream at myself “YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

I honestly don’t know how to make myself change.

I cried.  Big, heaving sobs coupled with a mascara streaked face.  I went to bed exhausted, emotionally spent.

But today is a new day.  Today I will try harder.

Today I will accept my faults and attempt to improve upon them.

I can be better.  I just have to try.

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Oh, my. I think we all have those traits (your hubby included), and it’s a challenge to overcome them. I think the best thing you can do is embrace the flaws with all the WONDERFUL, AMAZING things about yourself. It’s tough if you’ve made the agreement that you’re ‘in charge’ of certain domestic duties because you’re home. Is there a way that can shift? Can you set gentle reminders to do things like switch over the laundry or run the dishes? I think it’s a lot like learning to ride a bike, or parent, or be married-it will take time.

    Sending you big hugs.

  2. says

    Still trying to figure this out myself. It was so easy to clean and leave the house untouched all day. Of course we could expect it to be the same 8 hours later. But this whole living and being here all day really is messy. I am trying to be better about staying on top of it, but I have a long way to go.

    • Erin L. says

      Thanks for making me feel not alone. Last night I literally was like, I am the biggest slob in the entire country. I’m an embarrassment. Obviously a slight exaggeration, but still. I was (am) so mad at myself.

  3. says

    Yeah. so um, Jessica visited my house this weekend so she can verify the horror. Anytime you want to feel better about your skills just hop on 40 East, I’m happy to oblige.

    And I think you rock.

  4. says

    Yup…I feel llike that sometimes, too! I’ve been home for almost 2 yrs now and still have not perfected my job as a SAHM. Whether or not the laundry is done or dinner is ready, the one thing iI mmake sure to do is have the house straightened up before Kevin gets home from work! Good luck finding yyour groove. :)

  5. says

    WOW! How glad am I that you wrote this?!?! My husband and I had a pretty gut wrenching heart to heart over some of these same issues this weekend. For me, it’s difficult to not live up to the stereotypical SAHM role. I am motherly and nurturing, but I am not very domestic… I never have been. It’s just not in my nature. I think we came up with some new tactics to ease both of our stress in this area, and I hope that you guys can too! xo

  6. says

    Bless your heart! I am by nature a bit sloppy & I am definitely not a clean-freak (I have an aunt who vacuumed her living room and swept her floors every night. And she worked full-time. To me her focus on cleanliness bordered on obsessive & I think that influenced me).

    Anyway, the two days of the week our house is the worst? The weekend without fail. And I don’t care. I’d rather have fun and enjoy those days than worry over a spotless house. Hugs, Erin!

  7. says

    A lot of people would harbor those feelings and blame. You realized that you were wrong and are trying to make changes. That’s something to be proud of. None of us are perfect, but too many of us refuse to realize and accept it.

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