The Birth Story According to Dad Part 1.

In honor of the bug’s birthday, I thought I would share with you his birth story…according to my husband. My thoughtful, considerate, hilariously INAPPROPRIATE husband kept notes the entire time I was in labor.

Here is his story:

December 14, 2008 4:45 pm – Water broke.

5:41 pm – 1st contraction and we leave for the hospital.

5:55 pm – Call my mom and dad.

6:03 pm – Pick up Burger King and eat in hospital parking lot.

7:01 pm – Nurse is messing with my wife’s goods.

7:09 pm – Hanging out in the triage area. Nurse shift change. New nurse is Jen. (I think the lady across the room just said she peed the bed.)

7;16 pm – Contractions beginning to cause heavy breathing and speech “Oh God, Mother…”

7:21 pm – I contemplate making cow udder puppets out of the blue “powder free” nitrate exam gloves.

7:36 pm – Lady that peed her bed is now speaking to the 8th person on her cell phone. I’m recording this because she has had the exact SAME conversation with each person, each with the same overly dramatic inflection. “I’m 4 cm dilated..pray no drugs.” I’m a drama queen etc.

7:50 pm – Erin is disgusted by the fact that she keeps leaking.
We have another new nurse, Tina. At this rate, I estimate we will have approximately 34 different RN’s by the time the little guy gets here.

8:15 pm – Dr. Barlow just showed up and without even buying her a drink or paying for a round of mini-golf went what seemed like elbow deep in my wife while the RN watched. Who knew my first GROUP experience would be so anti or shall I say NON-climactic?

8:16 pm – Dr. Barlow tells Erin she is 1 cm.
8:17 pm – I begin to question my man size.

8:45 pm – We get a room! Room 234. No DVD player but there is a sleek 4 head VCR from the late 90s.

9:00 pm – We start doing laps around the hospital.

9:15 pm – I’m convinced the person who designed the layout of this place must have either been a drooling mental patient or at the peak of a long oxycodeine addiction.

9:30 pm – Contractions are still 10 minutes apart. I go to the car to get my pillow.

9:32 pm – Guy in the elevator has a bag of McDonalds French Fries and they smell like heaven. I offer him 50 cents for 2. He looks at me with a blank stare and I try to negotiate – 75 cents for the short, off-colored one? The elevator door opens and he gets off and the scent disappears.

10:25 pm – They begin Erin on a Pitocin drip.

10:30 pm – Erin has the most intense contraction yet and I thank god I don’t have a vagina.

10:40 pm – 2 contractions within 4 minutes!

10:42 pm – I steal a pair of socks and some pads for Erin…and some blue powder free gloves for me so I can make blow up cow udders when I get bored.

10:49 pm – I drop a deuce.

10:51 pm – A lady comes in to have us sign the cord blood forms.

10:53 pm – I come out of the bathroom and sign the form. She obviously knows I just made a stinky.

10:55 pm – Erin has to go to the bathroom. (I hope it doesn’t smell.)

10:56 pm – Erin calls me in to help as she has discovered it’s quite difficult to pee with an IV in one hand, heart monitor in the other and a baby and a contraction monitor on her stomach.

11:05 pm – That was an ORDEAL! I could never work in a old folk’s home. Assisting people with the pee process is NOT my thing.

11:13 pm Dallas 14 NYG 8 with 3 minutes to go in the 4th. I think John Madden would have Brett Farve’s baby. (Erin is still flipping channels on the TV; this ends very soon.)

11:15 pm The Pitocin is quite obviously NOT a placebo.

11:37 pm – “That one kicked my ass” – Erin’s response to the ever increasing intensity of the contractions.

11:38 pm – I wonder the percentage of 8th graders who can spell better than me.

11:58 pm – WOW! I can’t imagine these things getting worse. They are every 2-4 minutes and VERY intense.

December 15, 2008 1:00 am – Steady and HARD! about every 3 minutes. She’s moved to the ball for the past 20 minutes. She likes it better than the bed.

1:17 am – Contractions suck! She is now debating drugs &/or the epidural.

1:31 am – Pain has become unbearable. Erin has ok’d the drugs to alleviate the intense pain.

1:45 am – Epidural guy is coming. Tina said most people ask for the epidural a few weeks ahead of time. To that Erin said “So I’m on crack.”

2:10 am – “Ahhh, that’s better.” Erin’s response to the first post-epidural contraction.

2:30 am – Catheter is in.

2:33 am – Wow, more hands in my wife! I’m beginning to wonder if Rex (name of hospital) is the clinical term for Lesbian.

2:38 am – “Dude, that’s the BOMB! I don’t feel those at all. How is that even possible” – quote from Erin.

2:40 am – Nap in chair time.

To be continued.

For part 2, click here.

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